Free Writing P.47

There are days that I spend hours on my computer refreshing facebook, or scrolling through job postings, or looking for recipes, or trying to talk to my friends, or looking for rugs (sometimes it’s other furniture pieces, right now it’s rugs). Sometimes I count down the hours until I can leave work and go to rugby practice or go to the gym or go home and cook or visit my family. I am almost always avoiding things. Sometimes I know and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I can get easily distracted and forget the task I was working on. Sometimes it is hard to stay focused on work and it makes me disorganized because I leave things unfinished without realizing. My brain readily accepts distractions to avoid whatever it is I am avoiding that day. I am not always avoiding things on purpose. Sometimes it starts with just doing other things first. I feel so disorganized I don’t know what the big thing is that I forgot about because I started avoiding it days ago. I just feel anxious.


Free Writing P.46

Feeling ok this morning but I know there are a slew of things I have been putting off that are slowly creeping up on me to kill me. I just need to do them and get them done and out of the way. But I would rather think of the area rug I want to buy and the workout I will do at 4pm and how I’m going to get my mile time under 7 minutes! and my body that is starting to look really good, and the lunch I will eat when I go home to walk moses and the greeting cards I need to make and the portfolio I need to update.

But I need to call Dave and Marissa and email people about the meeting tomorrow and update my registrations and make supply bags and complete my health insurance and maybe call my counselor.


Free Writing P.45

It’s frustrating to know I spent so much money at the chiropractor to still not feel ok. I’m trying to tell myself that my muscles are just sore because of all of the poking and prodding that has happened to it. I should give it a few days. I mean yesterday it felt fine before going to the doctor, but the day before that I was in severe pain. Maybe it is muscles. It’s just the muscles and that would explain why it hurts after being poked. I will be ok.

Free Writing P.44

woke up feeling ok. No longer SUPER anxious like yesterday. I’m a little worried with how dirty the house has gotten since I am having guests over, but I’m sure I can do a little cleaning before my friends come over. I’m really looking forward to my chiropractor appointment. Getting out of work a little early, being able to maybe breathe normally, getting a little confidence back..
Also happy that I finally have inspiration for my lip sync routine! So many things to look forward to!

Free Writing P.43

It was hard for me not to be sad this past weekend. It sucked since it was my birthday and it sucked because Cory was hovering around me looking all sad because he thought it was his fault. The worries just feel so real sometimes it’s hard to argue with them. It’s one thing when I have just one thing on my mind, front and center, but I think it’s hardest when I have a bunch of them swirling around. So many layers to dissect. I am physically achey, on my shoulder and foot and occasionally my stomach.
I’m happy there are so many easy tasks to do (or so I hope), and that there will probably be enough to take me through the whole day.

Free Writing P.42

I am getting a little nervous about my birthday. Not sure why. I feel tired and achey (for obvious rugby reasons probably. Just one of those days maybe. I guess I wish that I felt better so that I could be able to take on more of the things I feel need done..

Free Writing P. 41

Is the new mantra, “you can’t do it all & that’s okay”? Last week it was a mix of, “I have time” and “I’m doing fine.” But today it seems like it is most important to remind myself there are some things I won’t get to do and while I always know that fact in the back of my brain, I’m always trying to beat the system and do it all anyways.
Maybe I’ll swing past the grocery store after work before practice and get that out of the way so I can give my mom jackfruit when I see her. Maybe.

Free Writing P.40

GAD am I tired! My lips are chapped from practicing at an indoor field. My feet and hands are achey, as are my hips. There are things I am anxious about at work. Dealing with the vendor partners, not knowing if they are actually signing back on to the makeover. I already had one tell me no, and then we strong armed him into participating, but he could have still said no. Ultimately, it’s not my fault. J wanted to move forward with printing the materials, J didn’t want to have the meeting until a week before we went to print. The relationship might be damaged and I may be the one dealing with it up front, but it’s not my fault.
I’m anxious about my day and my weekend. but I need to focus on getting my shit done during the day so that I can leave work a little early, wrap some things up at home (specifically doing the dishes), pack all my shit for the weekend: rugby socks, shorts, spandex, sports bra, dues shirt, mouth guard, contacts, sweat pants, long sleeve, black leggings, sweatshirt, gloves, hat; my personal shit like shampoo, pajamas, a dress, my overalls, a shirt or two… and SHOES.

Visualizing success of my day..

Mini Inspo Post

Working off of my last epiphany, things I’ve just realized:
I don’t need to go back to school in order to make things.
I don’t need to work at a greeting card company to make greeting cards.
I don’t need to move to California to work for the type of business I want to.
I can make my own greeting cards.
I can make my own business. Start working now, start hustling now. I might be scared that I’m not good enough or that I won’t be good at business, but that’s what I want to do. I want to make things that people want to buy. I don’t need to cling onto other people’s talents and business plans. I can create my own business, my own product.
Now is the time.
I believe in the uniqueness, wit, cleverness and humor in my ideas.
Now is the time.


Free Writing P.39

I had the idea the other day that if I want to make greeting cards, I shouldn’t wait for a job to do it. I really do think that I would be good at it. It combines everything I love being crafty and witty and it is something I have been doing my whole life. Sure, there are people who go to art school who have more experience formal experience in studio art, but that shouldn’t stop me from making cards. I really want to make a card a week, but maybe I should start with a card a month LOL

I am proud of how I did at the gym yesterday. I ran a mile at level 8 the whole time, bumping up to level 9 towards the end, and it didn’t seem that difficult! I remember jogging along at level 6 and doing intervals. My mental toughness is really coming along!