About helendauka

I used to write a lot and now I hardly ever write. I think I write bad now? On the flip side, I used to be very bad at being an adult and now I'm a little better at being an adult. Let's try to balance this equation out.

I want to ask the question, “do you ever think about your exes?” but it seems silly, because how can you not from time to time. But how much is too much? And what thoughts do you have? I have thoughts that range from thinking about something that still makes me laugh, to wondering how they perceived the relationship, to thinking maybe we could have a semblance of a friendship, to feeling like I still need closure. But I circle back around to, is it worth the trouble it could stir up?
Why do I want to talk to these people I used to have romantic relationships with?
Some I am still angry with because of how much they hurt me. I want to know if they even know how much. It makes me angrier to think how well we got along, aside from the fact that my heart got shattered.
I want to know how you reflect on our relationship, which was my first and one of my longest. Did you see the good that was there? Do you feel like we mutually torched it to the ground? Did it mess you up or am I not a footnote?
Are these questions bigger signs that I am not happy with my current relationship? Or is it natural to seek closure. If I tried to find the answers to any of these questions, how would it effect my life? How would it effect theirs? Is it better to let sleeping dogs lie?

I like to think that during our first relationship, we did mutually equal things to fuck with each other. I remembered the times you took advantage of me when I was vulnerable and sad. I cheated on you. I did not end things well. In fact I didn’t really end them at all. You lied to me our entire relationship about why I wasn’t allowed inside of your house. You didn’t notice that I was depressed. You didn’t notice that I had an eating disorder.

But I also remember getting really great mixtapes. And making our own adventures, going to Thompson park and pretending it was the beach. I remember going to tacobell and laughing about this stupid piece of lettuce that was flopping out of my mouth. I remember getting a valentine card on a little yellow construction paper square that just said, “you’re mine (don’t say you’re not).” I remember driving out to Canton to go to a Sonic. I remember crying with you at the cemetery by your house before I went away to college. I remember drinking way too much at Sarah’s old boyfriend, Jordans, abandon house. I remember going on vacation and telling you I wanted to get married when we were of robot age.

I remember being frustrated that I always had to drive and that we were always spending time in driveways and parking lots. I wish that I didn’t have to develop that eating disorder that made me unhappy and insecure and unable to communicate things with you. It made me close myself off.

I don’t know what any of it would do me to ask you what you remember. Will it make me feel better to apologize and say sorry? Is it a door I can close once I open it?

Maybe I would just say, “Happy Belated Birthday! Sorry I was an asshole to you while we were dating. I have been meaning to apologize to you. I just wanted you to know that I know some of the things I did to you weren’t right. My mom told me she always liked you and thought you were funny. And you were and probably still are. I still feel bad about some of the things I did. But you were my first real relationship and I remember a decent amount of good things happening. I guess I have just been feeling like even though things didn’t work, I want to chalk it up to a good first relationship. I hope maybe you see that too. But really, I hope you had a happy belated birthday. Like just count this for all the birthdays I’ve missed LOL. “

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Sometimes I feel stupid for leaving my small fish pond. I don’t feel like I belong in Akron. I am angry because I feel like I never had the same opportunities that some people had living so close to major cities. I feel out of place here. I feel like I am guessing my way through the motions of how to be successful here.
I often feel like I should have just stayed in my home town. But I’m already here now.

I wish people understood how tiring my anxiety attacks can be. I have a headache and I’m tired from crying. My stomach hurts from crying and being tense for so long. Once I have stopped sobbing, I still have to deal with the problems that brought the whole issue on. So I want to be calm and I want everything to stop. The only good thing about having an anxiety attack is that it exhausts me to the point that I don’t want to do anything, like hitting a hard reset button. I don’t feel guilty or worried about doing a zillion things. I just want to chill. I mean, I also just want to forget about all my problems.
I need to do the dishes
fix my oven
move my couch to the curb
find out when my counseling appointment is
fix my hoses (now it’s both of them)
find a bill I have to pay
follow up with a job lead
fix the lawn mower
learn to play tennis

I want to drink a beer
watch twin peaks
go to sleep forever

when my tooth cracked, and I pooped blood, and this red skin tag on my stomach started bleeding. and I thought about the times I sat in the dentist chair and tried to tell them how I was feeling and I felt like I was crazy but here I am and it is as bad as I thought, and maybe it will be worse, why should I think otherwise? And trying to tell myself that anxiety is all physical reactions so I should be able to shut down the feeling of anxiety. but all the thinking strategies I have learned do not work because thinking about the thing causing me to have anxiety will give me an almost immediate flair up. I feel like I can’t reason my way out of it.

Free Writing P.52

To Whom It May Concern:

I never regret missing a rugby game or a practice.
I never regret leaving a social early.
I regret all the times I didn’t visit my family on the weekend because I had a game and I felt like it would take too much traveling and be too exhausting.
I regret all the times I told my family I couldn’t spend time with them because I had some rugby thing.
I regret all the times I was too emotionally drained.
I regret the time that I put rugby before my family in the name of making sacrifices for a team.
I regret the time that I convinced myself that making these sacrifices would make me better.

I am letting myself be happy.
I am making selfish decisions.
I never regret time spent with my family.
I never regret the time taken off of work.
I never regret baking, gardening or shopping with my mother.
I never regret the time spent sitting with my grandma.
I never regret drinking coffee with my dad.
I never feel worse.
I always feel better.

Why delay my happiness? You never get more time. No one gives more time, people take more time if you let them. I control who I give time to.
So what’s the point in it all? If not now, when? There is no other time but now. It seems so simple. Do what you want when you want.

scarlett & tilde & emma & matt

Whitewashing is so annoying.
There are so many talented actors and actresses out there that aren’t white. It’s like we can’t even cast them to play the roles in movies that tell THEIR stories, let alone start envisioning those big, blockbuster lead roles as anything other than white.
JFC if people would open their eyes and look around, I think it would be glaringly obvious that talent abounds and comes in lots of variety other than white.

Please do not support films that whitewash.

Free Writing P.51

I think I need to revamp one of my personal blogs so that I can have a place to just talk about my projects without it tied to my online portfolio or this journal-esque style blog.
Like I think I will call it, something from nothing for no reason.
I really do need to make a pros and cons list about rugby. I’m starting to feel as if my life is stuck in somewhat of a rut, as I have now been stuck job hunting for a year with no success. I’m not thrilled with my relationship. And my anxiety is still here and the depression still comes in waves every now and then. Rugby isn’t all that bad, but it takes a toll on my time and emotions so frequently. I’m just starting to think I need to make an actual change in my life.

Gardening has been a great outlet for me. I look forward to it each day. I still believe in my greeting card dream. I made my first card in a while and it felt great. So I have those things going for me at least.

Free Writing P.50

I am worried that Cory’s smoking habits are starting to escalate out of control again. He got this dumb vape pen and it seems like he is always taking a drag from it. And it feels like he has to do restock trips more frequently. I was so proud when he told me he was really weaning himself off. And it’s starting to feel like he’s not hearing me again. I’m constantly repeating myself. And right now, asking for what I need is it’s own struggle. I know that I have been a real handful lately, so if he wants to be defensive, he has lots of cards to pull against me. But.. I say things that I want to do, and it’s like he doesn’t hear me at all. Or he forgot. Or he was focused on something else. Le sigh. I will have to talk to him about it Wednesday.

 

Free Writing P. 49

I haven’t done an entry in what feels like a while. But I don’t think I have anything good to say. And when I’m struggling to push through the day, stopping to think about how shit everything is doesn’t really sound like something I want to do. I wish I didn’t have to live this life. Like, I wish I could wake up and have another version of my life or someone else’s. But I know this is what I am stuck with. I hate it so much and it makes me hate each of my days. Because I feel like no matter what I do, I still have another shit day waiting for me, and anything I do doesn’t really matter. I am trapped. And it’s hard because I just want it all to stop but I know that won’t help anything. So I have to keep trying and working harder if I want anything to change. But I just want everything to stop. I want to sleep.

Free Writing P.48

I am not an endless well of energy. Sometimes I get tired of doing things for other people. Last week I was able to do things that made me feel good about myself. I went to the gym three times, went to rugby practice, shaved 30 seconds off my mile time. I played a rugby game and did really well. I looked great so I felt great and people validated my feelings.
I kind of knew as it was happening that it wasn’t sustainable. I wasn’t going to be able to keep up my progress at the gym. I probably wouldn’t be able to keep up my good eating habits. Actually, half the reason I think I looked so skinny was because I was getting diarrhea 1-2 times a day. I am better when I am in complete control and when I am not.. I am not. I love the feeling of being thin. It makes everything feel better. It feels like the answer to all my problems. It feels like if I know what the answer to my problems is, why do I fight it?

If I wanted to ask for help, I don’t know how I would do it. It’s like, I know that it’s not really the right answer. but sometimes it feels so much better. It feels better to not be bloated and be gassy. It feels better when I don’t feel like my clothes are really restrictive. It feels better to not eat and not worry. When I am thin I do not have to worry. When I am thin, I always have at least one thing that I have done right that makes me feel good and confident.