I want to ask the question, “do you ever think about your exes?” but it seems silly, because how can you not from time to time. But how much is too much? And what thoughts do you have? I have thoughts that range from thinking about something that still makes me laugh, to wondering how they perceived the relationship, to thinking maybe we could have a semblance of a friendship, to feeling like I still need closure. But I circle back around to, is it worth the trouble it could stir up?
Why do I want to talk to these people I used to have romantic relationships with?
Some I am still angry with because of how much they hurt me. I want to know if they even know how much. It makes me angrier to think how well we got along, aside from the fact that my heart got shattered.
I want to know how you reflect on our relationship, which was my first and one of my longest. Did you see the good that was there? Do you feel like we mutually torched it to the ground? Did it mess you up or am I not a footnote?
Are these questions bigger signs that I am not happy with my current relationship? Or is it natural to seek closure. If I tried to find the answers to any of these questions, how would it effect my life? How would it effect theirs? Is it better to let sleeping dogs lie?

I like to think that during our first relationship, we did mutually equal things to fuck with each other. I remembered the times you took advantage of me when I was vulnerable and sad. I cheated on you. I did not end things well. In fact I didn’t really end them at all. You lied to me our entire relationship about why I wasn’t allowed inside of your house. You didn’t notice that I was depressed. You didn’t notice that I had an eating disorder.

But I also remember getting really great mixtapes. And making our own adventures, going to Thompson park and pretending it was the beach. I remember going to tacobell and laughing about this stupid piece of lettuce that was flopping out of my mouth. I remember getting a valentine card on a little yellow construction paper square that just said, “you’re mine (don’t say you’re not).” I remember driving out to Canton to go to a Sonic. I remember crying with you at the cemetery by your house before I went away to college. I remember drinking way too much at Sarah’s old boyfriend, Jordans, abandon house. I remember going on vacation and telling you I wanted to get married when we were of robot age.

I remember being frustrated that I always had to drive and that we were always spending time in driveways and parking lots. I wish that I didn’t have to develop that eating disorder that made me unhappy and insecure and unable to communicate things with you. It made me close myself off.

I don’t know what any of it would do me to ask you what you remember. Will it make me feel better to apologize and say sorry? Is it a door I can close once I open it?

Maybe I would just say, “Happy Belated Birthday! Sorry I was an asshole to you while we were dating. I have been meaning to apologize to you. I just wanted you to know that I know some of the things I did to you weren’t right. My mom told me she always liked you and thought you were funny. And you were and probably still are. I still feel bad about some of the things I did. But you were my first real relationship and I remember a decent amount of good things happening. I guess I have just been feeling like even though things didn’t work, I want to chalk it up to a good first relationship. I hope maybe you see that too. But really, I hope you had a happy belated birthday. Like just count this for all the birthdays I’ve missed LOL. “


Sometimes I feel stupid for leaving my small fish pond. I don’t feel like I belong in Akron. I am angry because I feel like I never had the same opportunities that some people had living so close to major cities. I feel out of place here. I feel like I am guessing my way through the motions of how to be successful here.
I often feel like I should have just stayed in my home town. But I’m already here now.

I wish people understood how tiring my anxiety attacks can be. I have a headache and I’m tired from crying. My stomach hurts from crying and being tense for so long. Once I have stopped sobbing, I still have to deal with the problems that brought the whole issue on. So I want to be calm and I want everything to stop. The only good thing about having an anxiety attack is that it exhausts me to the point that I don’t want to do anything, like hitting a hard reset button. I don’t feel guilty or worried about doing a zillion things. I just want to chill. I mean, I also just want to forget about all my problems.
I need to do the dishes
fix my oven
move my couch to the curb
find out when my counseling appointment is
fix my hoses (now it’s both of them)
find a bill I have to pay
follow up with a job lead
fix the lawn mower
learn to play tennis

I want to drink a beer
watch twin peaks
go to sleep forever