Free Writing P.48

I am not an endless well of energy. Sometimes I get tired of doing things for other people. Last week I was able to do things that made me feel good about myself. I went to the gym three times, went to rugby practice, shaved 30 seconds off my mile time. I played a rugby game and did really well. I looked great so I felt great and people validated my feelings.
I kind of knew as it was happening that it wasn’t sustainable. I wasn’t going to be able to keep up my progress at the gym. I probably wouldn’t be able to keep up my good eating habits. Actually, half the reason I think I looked so skinny was because I was getting diarrhea 1-2 times a day. I am better when I am in complete control and when I am not.. I am not. I love the feeling of being thin. It makes everything feel better. It feels like the answer to all my problems. It feels like if I know what the answer to my problems is, why do I fight it?

If I wanted to ask for help, I don’t know how I would do it. It’s like, I know that it’s not really the right answer. but sometimes it feels so much better. It feels better to not be bloated and be gassy. It feels better when I don’t feel like my clothes are really restrictive. It feels better to not eat and not worry. When I am thin I do not have to worry. When I am thin, I always have at least one thing that I have done right that makes me feel good and confident.

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About helendauka

I used to write a lot and now I hardly ever write. I think I write bad now? On the flip side, I used to be very bad at being an adult and now I'm a little better at being an adult. Let's try to balance this equation out.

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