I am worried that Cory’s smoking habits are starting to escalate out of control again. He got this dumb vape pen and it seems like he is always taking a drag from it. And it feels like he has to do restock trips more frequently. I was so proud when he told me he was really weaning himself off. And it’s starting to feel like he’s not hearing me again. I’m constantly repeating myself. And right now, asking for what I need is it’s own struggle. I know that I have been a real handful lately, so if he wants to be defensive, he has lots of cards to pull against me. But.. I say things that I want to do, and it’s like he doesn’t hear me at all. Or he forgot. Or he was focused on something else. Le sigh. I will have to talk to him about it Wednesday.
I haven’t done an entry in what feels like a while. But I don’t think I have anything good to say. And when I’m struggling to push through the day, stopping to think about how shit everything is doesn’t really sound like something I want to do. I wish I didn’t have to live this life. Like, I wish I could wake up and have another version of my life or someone else’s. But I know this is what I am stuck with. I hate it so much and it makes me hate each of my days. Because I feel like no matter what I do, I still have another shit day waiting for me, and anything I do doesn’t really matter. I am trapped. And it’s hard because I just want it all to stop but I know that won’t help anything. So I have to keep trying and working harder if I want anything to change. But I just want everything to stop. I want to sleep.
I am not an endless well of energy. Sometimes I get tired of doing things for other people. Last week I was able to do things that made me feel good about myself. I went to the gym three times, went to rugby practice, shaved 30 seconds off my mile time. I played a rugby game and did really well. I looked great so I felt great and people validated my feelings.
I kind of knew as it was happening that it wasn’t sustainable. I wasn’t going to be able to keep up my progress at the gym. I probably wouldn’t be able to keep up my good eating habits. Actually, half the reason I think I looked so skinny was because I was getting diarrhea 1-2 times a day. I am better when I am in complete control and when I am not.. I am not. I love the feeling of being thin. It makes everything feel better. It feels like the answer to all my problems. It feels like if I know what the answer to my problems is, why do I fight it?
If I wanted to ask for help, I don’t know how I would do it. It’s like, I know that it’s not really the right answer. but sometimes it feels so much better. It feels better to not be bloated and be gassy. It feels better when I don’t feel like my clothes are really restrictive. It feels better to not eat and not worry. When I am thin I do not have to worry. When I am thin, I always have at least one thing that I have done right that makes me feel good and confident.
There are days that I spend hours on my computer refreshing facebook, or scrolling through job postings, or looking for recipes, or trying to talk to my friends, or looking for rugs (sometimes it’s other furniture pieces, right now it’s rugs). Sometimes I count down the hours until I can leave work and go to rugby practice or go to the gym or go home and cook or visit my family. I am almost always avoiding things. Sometimes I know and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I can get easily distracted and forget the task I was working on. Sometimes it is hard to stay focused on work and it makes me disorganized because I leave things unfinished without realizing. My brain readily accepts distractions to avoid whatever it is I am avoiding that day. I am not always avoiding things on purpose. Sometimes it starts with just doing other things first. I feel so disorganized I don’t know what the big thing is that I forgot about because I started avoiding it days ago. I just feel anxious.
Feeling ok this morning but I know there are a slew of things I have been putting off that are slowly creeping up on me to kill me. I just need to do them and get them done and out of the way. But I would rather think of the area rug I want to buy and the workout I will do at 4pm and how I’m going to get my mile time under 7 minutes! and my body that is starting to look really good, and the lunch I will eat when I go home to walk moses and the greeting cards I need to make and the portfolio I need to update.
But I need to call Dave and Marissa and email people about the meeting tomorrow and update my registrations and make supply bags and complete my health insurance and maybe call my counselor.