Free Writing P.32

I don’t know what to do. I scheduled a few counseling appointments on Monday mornings thinking it would be perfect for visiting family on Sunday, staying overnight and then stopping at the appointment on my way into work late. I completely forgot about the fact that my intern comes in on Monday mornings. I should have rescheduled when I realized, but I thought I would be able to leave her enough work to do on her own until I came in. But then she has already missed so many hours; we were gone on a conference, it snowed so bad she couldn’t make it in to the office, we’ve had two holidays where our office was closed but the university wasn’t.. I’m afraid it will be hard for her to make up hours and I’m afraid I’m not giving her a good internship experience.
What worries me more is that I want to be able to take time off to spend time with my grandpa. Even though he was given “months” to live, how many months has always been vague, and the 1 month mark will be approaching soon and then we will be in the 2 month territory and no one says it, but he is going downhill. We all know he is dying, but now he is sleeping more and eating less and having trouble swallowing.
my anxiety makes me not want to think about lots of these problems or it makes me want to run over the what ifs in my head of the questions none of us have answers to.

On one hand, I know that the chance to spend quality time with him is over. The likelihood of there being a “one last good day” is slim and the chances that I would be around for it even slimmer. I know that it is what it is and that it isn’t fair, and that he’s going to die soon and there’s nothing I can do and there’s no one that can give me the answers I want.

But maybe I should be trying. Be there feels better than not. My anxiety is getting bad but I was banking on being able to talk through some of it with my counselor. But now, I’m getting too anxious about missing work for reasons other than my grandpa. And I don’t know how to talk to anyone at work about this because I don’t want to talk about my intern, or my grandpa or my anxiety. And gosh I would love to be able to explain this to the counselor, because I’m sure she would get it, but I’m not sure the person who answers the phone and schedules will understand

Free Writing P.31

I thought a lot about bargaining lately. I was always bargaining for more time, even though I knew we only get so much. Really, I was just making deals that made me feel like I had more time. But we don’t and there are no more deals to make. All my worries and anxieties feel seem really intense. They all seem real now. It is life and death. But at the same time, it is what it is. I can’t ask any of my questions because no one has an answer. We are all in the same boat. It’s a weird swirl of emotions trying to accept what is coming and what is happening and being so so sad about it.

I guess the biggest anxiety worry for me is what if I miss the last good day? Obviously, there is no way to know.
I try to remind myself that I’m doing the best I can and I can only be with my family so much. It’s not my fault that I wasn’t closer with him when I was younger. It’s not my fault.

I will miss his home when my family sells it. The pink carpet and pink walls, the midcentury style, the garage, the in ground pool. I keep thinking that I should move into that home. But I don’t know how that would actually work.

Free Writing P. 30

I am sick again, and pretty bummed about it. IDK I guess I didn’t let myself rest enough this week. I probably didn’t drink enough fluids. But now, I’m just going to pretend I am OK! Can’t let it ruin my weekend!
I wish I could go home and rest, but I’m afraid no one would believe me that I wasn’t feeling well, they would just think that I wanted to leave early for the trip. I can’t really think of anything major that I need to do..
Yesterday I ate: microwave udon soup (noodle, green onion, mushroom, soy base broth), sesame kale with radish and carrot, cilantro jalapeno hummus w chip, potsticker (jackfruit, sesame, soy, carrot, kale, radish, onion, lemon), wonton soup (rice noodle, mushroom, carrot, green onion, tofu).

yesterday my belly felt kinda ok and so far today it feels good too! I guess if I have to feel sick, at least my stomach is ok!

Two nights ago I had a terrible dream that Cory and I were sitting in some run down looking house and we broke up. I didn’t want to breakup, but I think the way I was answering questions or my attitude made Cory realize this wasn’t working for him. It’s weird because I used to imagine those conversations when things weren’t going well. But in the dream, I didn’t want it to happen and I begged Cory not to go.
Things are a lot better now.

Free Writing P.29

You know what, I don’t feel so bad today. Yesterday I really didn’t want to do ANYTHING at work.. not sure why. but, once I drink a little coffee and wake up, I want to power through this day! I am excited to go shopping after work at an Asian market to star food prepping for my mom’s dinner tomorrow night.
My stomach feels better today. I’ve had gas on and off but it feels more manageable today.
Yesterday I ate: wheat wrap with cilantro-jalapeno hummus, radish, romaine, kale; cashews, snapeas; iceburg lettuce salad with croutons, radish carrot, zucchini, red pepper, green onion, jalapeno, little cayenne pepper oil & goddess dressing. & half a red quinoa patty.

Trying to make the conscious effort to eat less processed food on a regular basis. I don’t know what would be worse, eating a cleaner diet, or eliminating more foods.. I think next would be onion & soy. I live for spicy food and don’t want to think about nixing it.

Anyways, I am looking forward to today and getting down to business and what not!

Free Writing P.28

I’m tired of my tummy feeling so bloated. It’s uncomfortable. Last week I thought maybe it was happening because of how much I was worrying and stressing, maybe it was causing my IBS-like symptoms. But I’m not convinced. I almost think that maybe I should have a raw diet. No chips, no salsa, no hummus, no store bought sauce. When I eat the basics, I feel better (although eating taco bell doesn’t really bother me). Am I dehydrated? Went running yesterday, didn’t feel like it really helped. I think that I do want to transition to more of a raw-clean diet, but it’s so hard to make the jump.
So I stop eating chips,
Do I stop eating takeout?
Do I stop eating onions?
I’m just not sure.. I guess it would probably help to keep a food diary. Should I do that here?
Can I recap?
2/10/17- Subway (white bread, lettuce, spinach, tomato, olive, jalepano, greenpepper, onion, cucumber, oil, chips, sushi, tofu <had belly ache after work, bad gas into the evening (not the sushis fault!)
2/11/17- toast, ramem (coconut curry, potato , jalepano, cilantro, carrot possible kohlrabi), icecream <baby bloat in the morning, and in the evening.
2/12/17- taco bell (bean lettuce sauce) chips and salsa, Chinese food (tofu, snap peas, mushroom, baby corn, water chesnut, carrot, celery, rice) just full.. don’t remember feeling any kind of way.
2/14/17- miso soup (packaged, noodle tofu scallions), rice krispy treats with brown rice syrup etc,chips and salsa, mac and cheese, veggie pizza<felt VERY bloated when I came home from work, the chips and salsa made it so bad.

Free Writing P. 27

Once I got one of my “avoiding” tasks out of the way, yesterday was such a great day! I’m happy the weather is breaking, and I made valentines and treats for my coworkers. Even though I still have a little cold, I feel better than I have in a very long time.
Maybe it’s because spring is finally coming, maybe it’s because I have so many things planned!

Free Writing P.26

I feel frozen and bored today at work. I really don’t want to do anything!
I attribute it to the fact that I have felt like I was a day ahead all week, so yesterday already felt like Friday to me.

Here are the things I wish I could be doing:
Finishing my resume cover letter & submitting it.
Making Cory a really cute card for our anniversary.
Wrapping his gifts.
Cleaning the house.
Doing my hair and makeup so I feel really pretty.

Here are the things I want to avoid, but need to do:
Figure out how to give my intern a meaningful experience
Finish these damn postcards!!
Review my timelines to see if there is anything missing
Update my Super Saturday notes.
Update newsletter

Maybe if I can will myself to knock out the things I want to avoid, I can feel ok with leaving work early. So here we go!!

Free Writing P.25

Today I feel ok! Not overly anxious or worrying. It kind of feels like a Friday to me. I feel a little chubby but I will go to the gym after work. I was happy with how sore I felt after my Tuesday workout. I was feeling a little down that my teammates seem to do these really long workouts and I only go to the gym for 20 minutes. But I am doing a HARD mile-long sprint. and then a little ab work out. I also feel good about what I am accomplishing with my job search, current job, and then what I have gotten done for our anniversary. I’m a little scare I’m getting sick, but if I keep at it with Nyquil/Dayquil things should be okay.. I wish I would have worn warmer shoes.

Free Writing P.24

I have been feeling really anxious about trying to book an air bnb for the trip to Pittsburgh. As soon as I come to terms with one uncertainty, I think up another one. I think it edged it’s way into my sleep. I do think I am overthinking it, but in classic me style, I feel like everything is a valid concern.
So listing out, here are some of the concerns I’ve encountered:
1.) we want a private house/apartment.
2.) preferably with a key code on the door, but not a deal breaker.
3.) want to be in a cool neighborhood.
4.) but don’t want to be too far from downtown etc.
5.) but I’ve only been to Pittsburgh a handful of times, what if I pick an area I think will be cool and end up not liking it?
6.) we need to have a cushy looking bed, or a least a big enough bed.
7.) at what point is it better to just cut our losses and spring for a hotel instead?
8.) I hate booking hotels, especially after Sarah’s Bachelorette Party. I don’t like that they seem far away, are expensive, the parking is weird.

Free Writing P.23

Ebbing & Flowing between being like YA I’M GOING TO TURN MY LIFE AROUND  & boo so much to worry about.
I’m still worried that I am letting everyone down.
I didn’t go to visit my friend Alida last night even though she really wanted me to so first I spent all day contemplating whether I would go or not, and then I spent the evening worrying if she would be upset. And it reminded me of how my other friend would invite me to do things all the time and she would like, beg me to come, and I would have a real reason, just with this friend, not to go and then eventually, like I was afraid, we kinda drifted apart, and I think it was for other reasons, but maybe it wasn’t and what if it happens again with this friend?

I finally had sex with cory after stressing about it for days and he still went to work this morning seeming stressed.. What if I waited too long to be a good girlfriend?