Free Writing P.21

What do I want from a relationship? Why do I feel so unfulfilled? Well I’m slowly realizing I want more of a partner in crime. Someone that does things with me not just because he’s doing it for me, I want him to do it because he enjoys it himself. I don’t always want to command what I want. Sometimes, I would like it to be what we want. Because it feels like if it’s something he wants, he finds the time and motivation to make it happen. And if it’s something we work together on, it’s something he wants that I am willing to help with.
Like last night, even though I didn’t want to make dumplings because of how time intensive they are, I did it anyways because he was pouting about me renigging on my offer. first I hate that word. second I never offered, I was just telling him that I didn’t think I would be able to get all the things from one place to make the dumplings. and then he seemed a little inconsiderate to the fact that if I were to make the dumplings it would literally take up my whole night and just because he helps me with the filling part of the dumplings, I knew I would still end up doing everything else, including the dishes. And then I am reminded that we don’t have anything planned for our anniversary and constantly reminded of all my friends who have people that will plan surprise parties for them. It feels like he doesn’t care if we do anything. I’m sure he will say he will do anything I want to do and he’s just happy to spend time with me. It’s not good enough. Why am I trying to plan things around what I think he will like when he doesn’t care? What is the point of planning us things, when he makes me feel like it’s ‘me’ things? Why do I try to make the house a place for both of us when he doesn’t care and he’s happy with how it’s at? He doesn’t care. Am I ok with him never caring? Am I expecting for too much? Should I give up on waiting for him to care? Will it ever happen? With him? With anyone? Sometimes the thought process I have is: I don’t need him to care> I can make my own dreams come true> I want someone to do things with.

I think that’s how things have changed. I used to believe that we were doing things together. Going to farmers markets & thrift stores & spending time at my parents house & spending time with my friends & cooking together & grocery shopping together. There were lots of moments that I thought, this is everything I wanted in a relationship.
Now I feel like maybe he was only doing those things to make me happy (just like now) but he wasn’t as stressed back then because he didn’t have a job.

I know I need to talk to him about this, I wasn’t ready to have the conversation with him yesterday. I guess I’m a little afraid how it will go AKA no where. Or worse, he will find something to point out how I am at fault for not talking to him more, that he is trying and I am too hard on him, and then when I feel as if I’m not being heard, and he sees he is just hurting me more, he will try to tie the conversation up in a little bow of he is sorry, he will do whatever etc. etc. etc.

Free Writing P. 20

I fell asleep really easily last night but unfortunately I woke up a little before 2 and couldn’t back to sleep until 4am. My brain was just whizzing with ideas. Here are some:
Studio DIY: what will they think when they read my application? Should I have been more active on social media? Should I have done something different?
Crafty Mart Maker’s Session: Should I go? Should I not? Will people think it’s weird that I’m there but don’t actually have anything to sell? How long will it be? I wonder if I’ll know anyone. I wonder if I should reach out to my facebook friend who shared the event.
My Daily Doodle: Maybe I can make my daily doodle into a zine that people would want to read. I wonder how many doodles I would need to have a substantial body of work. This is dumb to even consider, the doodles aren’t meant for mass consumption they are meant for me.
Careers: Maybe I should find a paid internship or just a part time job. Maybe I should finally move to California. All the what if’s have kept me from trying to move there.
I don’t think I ever pursued art as a serious career because I never had anyone tell me I was good at it as a child. I remember at school, I wasn’t the kid in class that was good at art. Kids fell into categories pretty quickly, the artsy one, the popular girl, the kids good at sports.

Free Writing P.19

Yesterday was a day with ups & downs. I started in a good mood, and then lots of things were annoying me. Like having to listen to my coworkers talk about their vacations to Geneva Lake & Italy. Having my boss ask me dumb questions or completely read my question wrong and then I have to rephrase my question. Rugby practice turned out really well. But I got home and the kitchen was trashed (partially my fault from the weekend), but Cory had cooked for himself and not cleaned up (breakfast and lunch) and there was so much stuff on the counters and stove and kitchen table, I had to clean the kitchen so I had a place to slice & butter my bread. I had wanted to have cereal but I think Cory didn’t put the cap on tightly (this might not be the case) and the milk spilled all over the fridge. I was trying not to be mad at Cory, because I know the mess was partially mine (because I had cooked dinner for us yesterday), but it was still frustrating to come home and now be able to butter my goddamn bread.

But I also applied to be a contributor for one of my favorite social media accounts. I doubt that I will get chosen, but it felt really good to take the chance and it gives me something to look forward to and something positive to  think about. I applied to be a food contributor. I keep imagining Studio DIY reading my submission and liking my style of writing and appreciating my personality and taking a shot on the angle I pitched. And then this would be the best thing that ever happened to me. I would get to be involved in something that I wanted to do since I was in high school but didn’t know was real.

Free Writing P.18

I few things happened over the weekend which I want to recap, for memories sake and because I think they are significant. This weekend, Cory and I went to visit my parents. The plan was to get lunch and see a movie. My cousin was in town from Michigan and would go to lunch with us. Before we left for my parents’, Cory had texted me to ask if we could go see his folks after we see mine. Off the bat, this felt weird to me because 1.) he doesn’t need my permission to see his parents. The better question would have been: do you want to see my parents. 2.) (and this is something that will continue to bother me) Cory’s parents live 30 minutes away, compared to my 1.5 hour trip.
So anyways, he was acting all persnickety throughout the weekend when I mentioned to my cousin about visiting my grandpa the following morning and was all… offended that I didn’t talk about the plan with him more and he felt like now maybe there wouldn’t be time to do the things he wanted.
I tried explaining the 30 min vs 1.5 hr reasoning, and that this is what I always do when I come home, see my parents & grandparents etc. and I forgot that he didn’t know because he either doesn’t listen when I talk, doesn’t ask about my day that often, or just because he doesn’t usually come with me. I wanted to be like, you didn’t have to come with me.
I wanted to be like, you can see your parents any day of the week and just pop by after you get off work.

And most importantly and logically and factually, there was plenty of time left to do all the things he wanted. Also, I had Monday off meaning I have the same time off of work that he does every week, but he acts like his Monday is sacred and with me around it’s like his weekend is shorter. Which is the most annoying thing ever.

We tried to talk about rearranging furniture and he was so resistant to change ANYTHING in the living room. BUT he really wants to install this new speakers system he got and wants to screw these dumb speakers into the wall. It makes me so frustrated that when it’s something he wants, he’ll make it happen, meanwhile I have pictures that have never got hung up.

But also there are things that he does want but does nothing about, like making studio space in the basement. Why does it have to be me that buys more shelves for downstairs or buys a room divider or finds a lighting solution.

It makes me mad that he said that when it is our own place we’ll take pride in it blah blah. I guess he thinks sweeping and mopping means he takes pride but I’m sooo over it. We used to do things together like thrift or go to farmers markets and plan together and do other things together and it made me think that we enjoyed doing things together. I wonder if he was just pretending to like those things. Before we moved in together I felt like we would build things together (literally and via experiences), and now I feel like he is very ok with me building his things with him, but if I want something to happen I either have to do it myself or nag him about it. That’s what has changed.
My parents and others tried to tell me not to expect him to care about everything, but I want him to!
I think that’s what I thought was great about our relationship from the start was that I felt like I had a partner to do everything with.
Now I feel like I’m dragging him along. I want someone that is excited about the same things, not just happy to do something that makes me happy. Am I asking for too much? Are my expectations too high and unrealistic? I also feel like I don’t trust him as much.. did he ever really enjoy doing our activities together?

Free Writing P.17

I woke up kind of in a bad mood. Yesterday, I was on the phone with my mom and Cory called me. I told my mom I would call her back and took Cory’s call. We chatted for like 5 minutes, talked about our dinner plans, he asked me to call in the takeout, and I asked if he could do it that way I could call my mom back and not get off the phone immediately, but he wanted me to call it in so he didn’t have to look up the number. I said ok, but I wanted to get off the phone so I could get back to talking to my mom since I would only have a little bit of time before I would have to get off the phone again to call in the takeout. While on the phone with my mom Cory tried calling me and I sent him a text that I was on the phone. I already told him that, what was the malfunction? he didn’t respond, I was on the phone when he got home and he was in a bad mood. He told me he felt disrespected that I didn’t want to talk to him on the phone that I had texted him about wanting him home but then didn’t even want to talk to him on the phone.
This raised big red flags to me because I had a hard time not interpreting it as.. you are mad.. because I was talking to my mom, cut our conversation short so I could talk to you, and wanted to call her back, because you would be home later, and I didn’t want to be on the phone with her once you were home… You are mad.. that I wanted to talk to my mom.. instead of you..
I tried to explain this to him but he was brooding. I wasn’t going to tell him he was wrong, because I can’t invalidate his feelings, but I also am not going to pretend like I was wrong and sorry.
It grosses me out to think how childish that reasoning is and how manipulative it feels.

Free Writing P.16

I had a great rugby practice last night. I woke up feeling disoriented. I am still pretty tired and very sore. I woke up, happy to be sore. I took moses for a longer walk than usual, washed my face, packed a lunch, made the bed. The fact that it isn’t so cold this morning definitely lightened my mood. I started thinking about what I would cook for dinner and then what Cory and I would do for our anniversary and then what I will do for my birthday.

I got into a thought loop on my drive into work that made my anxiety bubble up & it’s hard to remember how I got there.. well I could figure it out but don’t want to end up there again.

Instead of that, I’m going to think about all the things I want to do in hopes it will put me in a better mind frame.
I want to make a big poke bowl with kale and sesame oil and soy sauce and sushi rice and avocado and radish and I want to steam some vegetables or maybe do something different, I will have to pinterest later.
I want to go to NoodleCat on our actual anniversary which is on a Friday. Maybe I will take Monday off so I can have 2 four day weekends. Maybe Cory and I can go to a thrift store and then go to noodlecat and then go to a record store and then I can visit my parents.
I want to go to Pittsburgh and stay at a cute Air BnB. I want to eat at pipers pub and go to the huge goodwill and go to the aviary and go to the andy warhal museum.
I want to get my nails done during my birthday week. I want to go see some goats, either at the akron zoo or at Happy Trails Sanctuary. I want to go roller blading. I  want to eat lots of Asian food. I want to go shopping for clothes with my mom and I want to go to Ikea.
Going to pretend I have enough money for all of these things.

Free Writing P.15

Yesterday I delved into the archives of my mind to see if I could find any repressed, long forgotten memories of my childhood that would help explain some of my anxieties that I couldn’t attribute to my mom.
Overall, I realized that I never really learned how to cope when something bothered me, instead I just kept it to myself because I didn’t want to relive it and then tried to do my best to make sure it never happened. Biggest example was when my third grade teacher took me out into the hallway and told me I need to talk less during class and then immediately changed the subject, leaving me to just feel self conscious and just try to, talk less. I’ve known about that memory for a while though.
I also remember always being self conscious about my body but I tried to remember exactly when it started. Obviously the memory of seeing my mom look in the mirror and then me saying, you look pretty and she said no I look fat (as if you can’t be both), that one had to have an effect on me.
I think as early as second grade I started not wanting to wear girls clothes because of how tight it clung to my body and in 4th and 5th grade I started having fantasies about having a hot-girl body and being popular and boys wanting to talk to me.
Earlier than those, I remember always being a spaz about my hair. I would have tantrums at the salon. One specific time, I remember crying that I was going to look like a pumpkin head, most likely because I had bangs and my hair was shorter. But I’m not really sure what I associated being a pumpkin head with. I also remember chewing on my hair. Not sure how it ties in with anything, but I couple it with the fact that I later loved chewing on paper and plastic and pencils and then later chewing on the inside of my mouth and itching the inside of my ear. Itching the inside of my ear is something I do to this day and I get ear infections all the time and sometimes I get this weird ringing that makes me think, this is the time I lose my hearing. I’m waiting to be on a TLC show about people with strange habits like eating sofa cushions or toilet papers. etc. While I’m listing off my fidgeting habits, I had a brief period of plucking my pubic hair and only stopped because I could never pluck them all and I was getting so many ingrown hairs they were both painful and ugly which was the opposite effect I had wanted when I was seeing this guy. I also scratch my scalp pretty frequently. Sometimes are better than others but other times I pick at a spot until it bleeds or seeps, but the constant picking always leaves me a little scab or bump to graze over and pick.
I also maintain my haircutting anxiety to this day. It’s gotten so much better, now, I don’t always cry. But I used to bawl my eyes out afterwards because I had such a hard time communicating what I wanted with the hairdresser even though I spent hours researching the type of cut I wanted and had pictures etc.

Another childhood memory I found was that as a kid I had certain pieces of clothing I would wear until forced to get rid of. Like my coat or my rain boots. My winter coat ended up getting a burn in it from standing too close to a wood burner and people at my preschool sent a note home with me asking if my mom wanted assistance buying me a new coat because they thought we were poor but as it turned out I just wouldn’t wear anything else. Same exact thing with my rain boots in like 3rd or 4th grade. The teachers asked if my mom wanted help buying me sneakers. The reason why this is weird is because I do the exact same thing to this day. I will wear the same dress everyday if I can get away with it. etc etc etc

I also remember one time I tried to do my makeup as a very small child, and I didn’t do a good job, I smeared the makeup all over my face essentially I think I was trying to look like a tucan, and I think my dad kind of scolded me about it because we were about to go somewhere and he like couldn’t get it off. I don’t think I tried putting makeup on again until late middle school.

I also have a memory of hanging out with my brother and cousin on my cousins trampoline. A couple of my cousins friends rode up on dirt bikes and wanted to hang out with my cousin but he said that he had to hangout with us. My cousin had always been the cool kid and even though he was 4 years older than me, I knew he was cool and I looked up to him and always wanted to hangout with him. I wasn’t supposed to hear his conversation with his friend but I did. To me it sounded like he was just hanging out with us to be nice. And after that, I didn’t like hanging out with him.

I scoured my brain yesterday for other reasons why I am this way, and the more I looked the more it felt like I have always been this way. I have a couple of moments that stand out to me as moments I stopped being carefree and it started all the worrying: the mirror, camp fitch, the hallway, the trampoline. I’m guessing that because my parents both worked a ton and I watched so much tv, the experiences I had as I child that I was too young to actually understand, the fact that I didn’t have anyone talking to me about things that bothered me, I had tv and my imagination to help fill in the gaps of why things happened the ways they did.
Those moments marked the time in my life when I had reasons to worry about what other people were thinking because I didn’t always know when they did and didn’t want to be my friend, I didn’t always know when people were sad because of something I did, I didn’t understand what it meant to be pretty and what it meant to be fat. But I had a very active imagination and time on my hands. And maybe back then, I was embarrassed about what I didn’t understand. I made up all sorts of things as a kid. I remember making up stories in my head when I couldn’t go to sleep otherwise I would be too scared to go to bed. What was I scared of? My brother and I slept in my parents bed for a while and then I think I shared a bed with my parents and getting me to sleep in my own bed was definitely a process. Then, I wet the bed until I was in middle school, which is obviously embarrassing and made going to sleep overs pretty terrible. Perhaps that’s where it all began, me having an embarrassing secret that I had to keep hidden. I also didn’t learn how to tie  my shoes until the second grade, but that is most likely unrelated.

what is wrong with me.

 

 

 

Free Writing P.14.2

Today I am experiencing a weird type of anxiety. What I wrote about earlier, about how uncomfortable I am, that’s all still happening. I have been peeing like a madman and having these little poops that are small & painful. I have this sharp pain in my lower abdomen and am still bloated.

Aside from the physical discomfort, I’ve had a hard time moving forward with my work and like, it partly because I have to schedule meetings and like I’m anxious to set dates and request things from people, it’s like tetras a little bit I guess I’m afraid of after to reschedule things or change things around on people. And also my birthday is coming up and I think not knowing what I’m going to do for that makes me really not want to schedule anything work related anywhere close to my birthday because then what if I want to do something for my birthday but I’ve already scheduled something for work.
And also I feel like I am frozen with indecision from doing like social media and marketing things at work and I’m not totally sure what I am worried about.

I had the realization that I have a lot of unaddressed issues with my mom. Never told her how her own body image issues affected me, never told her that when I came home from camp my dad told me that she was upset that I didn’t miss her at all and it made me feel really guilty about not missing her, that I always felt shorted from getting those important talks kids are supposed to get: about boys and sex and my body. She worked midnights so she was always sleeping or tired. I remember getting talks when she was half asleep, or when it was too late, after I’d already “figured things out” through overheard conversations or from my imagination or from tv. And she told me once that too many people try to blame their problems on their parents and people need to take responsibility for their life. And I know that my mom loves me more than anything and would do anything for me, so then, how am I supposed to talk to her about these things after the fact? How is that going to make her feel? Isn’t the damage already done? Going back and telling her she played a role in developing my eating disorder and anxiety?

I started making little doodles in a notebook to show what I am feeling. I no longer have problems writing how I am feeling, but putting my feelings to words on a page doesn’t offer me any type of release. The only time it makes me feel better is when someone can read what I’ve wrote and “get it” because I often feel like when I try telling people things verbally, they don’t get it and it’s frustrating.

Lately, I haven’t even wanted to write down what I’ve been feeling because I know I will feel like shit afterwards. Thinking about what has been making me feel like shit just makes me feel like shit again and sends me into a spiral of the bad emotions.

At least when I make the doodles, I feel  like I am making something creative, something I can look back at kind of humorously. But then again, I’ve only been doodling for 3 days and like most things I start, things rarely stick.

Feeling like a trash human being today, and the past couple of days. Feeling like I have to keep apologizing for being such a disappointment to my friends and family. I have thought several times, well I guess I didn’t need those friends anyways, not because I don’t want them, but because I am tired of feeling like shit for being a trash person to them. Like I feel like such trash I just need a fresh start. And I guess how that’s how I feel about this day. Started out feeling like shit, from the moment I woke up, hoping the hours will fly by so I can have a fresh start tomorrow.

I know I should workout because my body has felt like such shite, and it won’t take that it much time and it will make my first day back at rugby practice so much easier, but I am having a hard time being motivated. I just want to lay in bed the rest of the night, not eat not have to move, just lay down without having to move my stomach.

 

Free Writing P.14

I feel so uncomfortable today. I am super tired. I went to bed not early, but not super late either. Maybe I am rundown from the weekend. I have been super gassy & bloated since Sunday, I think the veggie burger I ate on Saturday must have had a lot of garlic in it or maybe was made from cauliflower. Not sure. But on top of feeling bloated, having gas at work is AWFUL. And then, I decided not to take a shower, so I feel grimey and have a feeling my vagina smells. I don’t think it would be as bad as if I didn’t have to run my heater at work, which points directly at my legs and probably heats my vagina up too, bc obviously sweat doesn’t help anything. I have a painful zit on my neckline and I feel congested. My scalp is super itchy, probably from not showering and my ears feel clogged, itchy and dry. I’m not sure when all of these feelings will subside, but I hope it happens soon.

Free Writing P.13

I feel like my moods are zig zagging all over the place. I started out this morning feeling a little down. I keep having this bad feeling about my relationship even though nothing is inherently wrong at the moment. I really don’t know if I have anything to complain about. Cory has been doing all the things I had asked, he takes the dishes to the sink after he eats, he takes the trash to the curb, he texts me during the day. I think it might be the fact that I will be turning 26 soon and our 2 year anniversary is coming up and I guess I’m having this feeling that if, this relationship is going to make it or not. Is this relationship doomed? It’s been 2 years now, are we just prolonging an inevitable break up? If so, do I want to waste anymore time? anymore years of my life? I have thoughts like that and then flip flop because thinking like this isn’t looking on the Brightside, setting myself up for failure, looking for problems, where maybe there aren’t any. 😦
And now at work, with one of my favorite times coming up, I have things I like to do at work and it’s really deceiving. 3 months out of the year doesn’t make up for the 9 months that I am unhappy.