What do I want from a relationship? Why do I feel so unfulfilled? Well I’m slowly realizing I want more of a partner in crime. Someone that does things with me not just because he’s doing it for me, I want him to do it because he enjoys it himself. I don’t always want to command what I want. Sometimes, I would like it to be what we want. Because it feels like if it’s something he wants, he finds the time and motivation to make it happen. And if it’s something we work together on, it’s something he wants that I am willing to help with.
Like last night, even though I didn’t want to make dumplings because of how time intensive they are, I did it anyways because he was pouting about me renigging on my offer. first I hate that word. second I never offered, I was just telling him that I didn’t think I would be able to get all the things from one place to make the dumplings. and then he seemed a little inconsiderate to the fact that if I were to make the dumplings it would literally take up my whole night and just because he helps me with the filling part of the dumplings, I knew I would still end up doing everything else, including the dishes. And then I am reminded that we don’t have anything planned for our anniversary and constantly reminded of all my friends who have people that will plan surprise parties for them. It feels like he doesn’t care if we do anything. I’m sure he will say he will do anything I want to do and he’s just happy to spend time with me. It’s not good enough. Why am I trying to plan things around what I think he will like when he doesn’t care? What is the point of planning us things, when he makes me feel like it’s ‘me’ things? Why do I try to make the house a place for both of us when he doesn’t care and he’s happy with how it’s at? He doesn’t care. Am I ok with him never caring? Am I expecting for too much? Should I give up on waiting for him to care? Will it ever happen? With him? With anyone? Sometimes the thought process I have is: I don’t need him to care> I can make my own dreams come true> I want someone to do things with.
I think that’s how things have changed. I used to believe that we were doing things together. Going to farmers markets & thrift stores & spending time at my parents house & spending time with my friends & cooking together & grocery shopping together. There were lots of moments that I thought, this is everything I wanted in a relationship.
Now I feel like maybe he was only doing those things to make me happy (just like now) but he wasn’t as stressed back then because he didn’t have a job.
I know I need to talk to him about this, I wasn’t ready to have the conversation with him yesterday. I guess I’m a little afraid how it will go AKA no where. Or worse, he will find something to point out how I am at fault for not talking to him more, that he is trying and I am too hard on him, and then when I feel as if I’m not being heard, and he sees he is just hurting me more, he will try to tie the conversation up in a little bow of he is sorry, he will do whatever etc. etc. etc.