My sleep is starting to level out, my bad dreams coming to an end. I still feel super drowsy all day. My work life is petering on paranoia. I’ve kinda given up on making real strides at work, accepting the bare minimum I am getting done is enough, but then I am nervous that everyone knows I’m not doing anything and they’re just waiting for me to mess up big enough to call me out. Our work Holiday ‘Party’ left me feeling anxious for several reasons. I finally decided on what I would buy myself for lunch while everyone else ate the Italian food. I felt self conscious that someone would ask why I wasn’t eating the food that was ordered and I would have to explain myself. I was afraid if that happened, I would have the same experience I had with my boss and one coworker. But no one said anything to me about it and I was still suspicious that no one was saying anything to me about because they thought it was so odd. No one asked me if I wanted any desserts. I wondered if I could have even had any, but I didn’t want to draw attention to myself, so I didn’t say anything and tried to look at the labels on the store bought things. Some people baked things but I didn’t want to ask them out loud because I knew most likely, they were not vegan.
I listened as people talked about their families and holiday plans and vacations. Grandchildren and trips to Italy.
Today I confided in my friend that I was nervous about Cory’s upcoming birthday party. I wasn’t sure if it was something I wanted to be around. On the one hand I want to be there to look after him, like I would want him to do for me. On the other hand, I am afraid he is going to take the opportunity to drink excessively and I don’t want to subject myself to the version of Cory that I have seen too frequently this fall. I don’t want to clean up after him if he pisses himself, or breaks a glass by mistake or falls asleep whilst drinking. I don’t want to get in an argument when I try to ask him for help or try to get him to bed. And I really don’t want this to happen in front of his friends. I also don’t want to make him feel like he can’t enjoy himself on his birthday with his friends.
My friend told me she was concerned for me and now I feel a little bit of regret saying anything to her about my worries. I might be over exaggerating the situation or letting my mind jump to conclusions when nothing has happened yet.
I don’t think Cory fully understands all that he has put me through because he was drunk. I haven’t always given him all the details because I don’t even want to think about them or say them out loud. Sometimes, I talk about the incidents in vague terms. I realized that some of the times that have been worse, he may not even know how bad it was.
I think he is only now starting to grasp what I experience.
So I then think about if I’m blowing things out of proportion. Am I just now seeing things more accurately? Was I in denial of how things actually were? Do things just seem bad now because of how I am framing them in my head?
When I used to complain to people about things I was unhappy about in my relationship, like about how Cory was adapting to living together and the responsibilities around the house, a lot of people told me that it was just part of the process. Everyone told me that living together would be hard at first. Some people told me I had to lower my expectations of Cory, that I can’t expect him to care or pay attention to everything. Why should Cory care about how I organize our house?
So I think over the past months I have gotten better at managing my own expectations. I think we have made great strides in how we handle our household responsibilities.
I don’t feel as overwhelmed and disappointed in those aspects.
But it still feels like something is missing. I feel like I am living my life so independently from him most days. The things that I do on a daily bases to achieve my goals and hobbies I do that make me happy feel 100% unrelated to our relationship. It never feels like “we” things anymore. I look around and I don’t see anything that “we” are building together. Projects or memories.
I don’t enjoy doing things with him anymore. We cohabitate exactly like roommates.
I am jealous of my friends in happy relationships. Couples who work out together. Take cooking classes together. Make things for each other. Do home renovation projects together.
I remember the time that Cory could not come to my work anniversary party. But one or two friends did. They were there and just seeing their faces throughout the night helped me get through an unpleasant situation. I try to compare that to all the rugby matches that Cory has come to. My last match, he came and saw the whole thing. My dad came, but only saw the last 5 minutes when I wasn’t even playing. It was the only game he had come to all season, but I was thrilled to see him. Cory made mention that he was there the whole time and didn’t get the same warm welcome. Why couldn’t I do the same for him?
I guess it’s the question he frequently asks me: Do you want me to come? Do you need me to come? Do you want me to be there?
Maybe I would like him to be there for me without me having to ask. I want him to be there for me. I think if I told him he didn’t have to come to a lot of things, he wouldn’t.
I feel like I’ve given up a little bit on our relationship, if I’m being honest. I got tired of being disappointed, tired of feeling like I was always nagging him or complaining to my friends. I don’t know what it would take to make me believe this relationship stands a chance. I know it is two-sided, that I have to believe and have faith and trust and I have to trust.
I don’t know where to start.
So when I am surrounded by people talking about their happy families and their fun vacation plans, I don’t know what to say.