Free Writing P.9

Last night, today is weird.
I have so many design projects to work on that yesterday I drank two-full-sugar- redbulls to help me power through getting some of my work done.
Managed to make food, and work on the infographic and make a “gift card” for my rugby team. I was awake until around 2am, obviously because of the redbulls.
My mind was going around in loops, some creative, some not. For some reason, I looped to the connection that I excessively worry.

It’s nothing new for me to say that I am nervous a lot, or worried I’m making the wrong decision. But I started thinking about all the things I worry about.It really clicked yesterday when I was working on a holiday newsletter and I was feeling really anxious about it because my boss had been vague with her instructions but I needed to thank our sponsors. Which sponsors? Does that include grantees? And donors? Is there a specific way they should be thanked? Will I offend some of them by inadequately thanking some or thanking others in a bigger way? Is this even what my boss wanted me to do? Am I putting all this work in for no reason? And what if I go all in and thank everyone, will the newsletter be too long? Will people even read it?

I tried to voice somewhat of my anxiety to my coworker, and she said, why would the boss not want you to thank people? If they don’t read it, they don’t read it.
This isn’t something people worry about.

Then I think of all the anxiety I experience giving gifts to people.
And the worry I feel about making phone calls and what to wear in the morning and planning out my day and my week and my errands, and the times I second guess-overthink-worry about things is few and far between.

I excessively worry and mask it as mulling things over, coming up with a plan.
RARELY do I fly by the seat of my pants, and I guess I noticed more yesterday when my coworker reminded me that people don’t worry about this stuff. I remember the other times I would worry at work. I would go to the elderly woman who has since retired and share a worry for her to tell me in a grandmotherly way that I was fine, I go to the CFO with my worry for her to tell me in her very logical brain that I am fine, I go to my coworker who managers court-appointed community service workers with my worry and he says I’ll be fine, and he will take care of a thing I am worried about.

I create little grips around me to keep my worrying stable without relying on one crevice to shoulder all the weight of my worry.





Free Writing P.8

Last night (and actually, the past couple of days), I have felt a little anxiety mixed with paranoia, worrying that I’m annoying my friends or saying things that make them upset.
I think that I know it’s all in my head, but it’s a creeping feeling that I try to shake, but then I think I do things spawned from insecurity, which I bet is even more annoying, so on and so forth.

That has been sprinkled in with this nervous feeling about giving Christmas gifts. I’m getting nervous that I’m running out of time, that I am running out of money, that I am focusing on giving too many gifts to individuals or that I am planning to give gifts to people that don’t need them (like acquaintances), or I am overlooking giving gifts to people that matter. And then what if they give me gifts and I have nothing for them? It feels like I should just be able to stock pile small thoughtful gifts for everyone. My boss makes it seem so easy, giving gift cards and coffee mugs and thank you notes. I wish I could be like that.

Free Writing P.7

Today I am reminded that the world does not make it easy to succeed. It’s not making it easy to be successful. It’s a lot of feeling like I’m getting kicked off a horse and I have to shake the dust off and climb back on and try again.

This past weekend, I really started hammering away at my online portfolio and it’s SO hard! It’s something I haven’t ever really done. I’ve made wordpress blogs before, taken a web design, made mock-sites for practice in school and edit the website at work. But all that was completely unlike this endeavor. To create something professional that showcases my work in it’s best light.
And of course, the rest of the world can’t stop while I’m toiling away. I’ve still got a zillion other projects to work on:
Soldier Protection Fund Fundraiser Infographic
Holiday Photo Editing
Rugby Sled Donation Giftcard Template
Photogifts via Shutterfly

I want to do all the things! The more I do, the more inspiration I find. It feels like I will never have enough time to do everything, but I keep pushing. An hour here, an hour there. I see updates on my facebook page of people being praised for their accomplishments and it’s a little disheartening to see. I get downtrodden when I see people praised and wonder when I will be discovered so to speak. Not that I am doing things for the glory, but it would certainly be rewarding and affirming.

But this week I am shaking my feelings of self doubt and keeping my nose to grind and keep pounding that pavement. I will better my situation. I will fix my life. The first step is getting out of this unfulfilling job that sucks the life out of me. And that will happen when I get my portfolio in tip top shape to send out to employers and feel confident that I actually have a shot with some of the job postings that I have discovered.

Keeping my nose to grind and keep pounding that pavement.

Free Writing P.6

Yesterday I had an anxiety attack that was a major throwback.
I was getting ready to take my dog Moses to get his photos with Santa and I had to stop to pick up a pizza at Earth Fare. It had been snowing all weekend and was still cold. Because it was Cory’s birthday weekend, I’d been doing a decent amount of lounging, drinking and eating and come Sunday, so I was feeling pretty bloated. I did NOT want to be wearing any type of pants. I just wanted to wear sweatpants. So here is where things started getting bad. I wanted to wear sweatpants, but I KNEW I was going to see people I knew, and I didn’t want to be dressed like a total nutcase. Next to sweatpants, I would have wanted to just wear a dress, but I was self conscious that someone would notice how inappropriate I was dressed for the weather. Finally, I was getting stressed that I was going to be late to pick up my pizza. I tried on so many pants trying to find something I felt comfortable in. I eventually just decided to wear a safe-zone dress: all black, long sleeves, a little long, and without shape. I had tried so many things on my room looked like a warzone.

It’s hard that I have this mini meltdown and the signs look very obvious to me of what is happening. Like it should be super obvious to Cory that I am experience a meltdown. But he doesn’t really know what is wrong, he knows that I am upset, he wants to help but doesn’t know how and he most likely thinks that it is something he did.

How frustrating is that? When something should be about me and what I am feeling, he makes it about him and when it is actually him that is the problem, he is completely oblivious?

Free Writing P.5

My sleep is starting to level out, my bad dreams coming to an end. I still feel super drowsy all day. My work life is petering on paranoia. I’ve kinda given up on making real strides at work, accepting the bare minimum I am getting done is enough, but then I am nervous that everyone knows I’m not doing anything and they’re just waiting for me to mess up big enough to call me out. Our work Holiday ‘Party’ left me feeling anxious for several reasons. I finally decided on what I would buy myself for lunch while everyone else ate the Italian food. I felt self conscious that someone would ask why I wasn’t eating the food that was ordered and I would have to explain myself. I was afraid if that happened, I would have the same experience I had with my boss and one coworker. But no one said anything to me about it and I was still suspicious that no one was saying anything to me about because they thought it was so odd. No one asked me if I wanted any desserts. I wondered if I could have even had any, but I didn’t want to draw attention to myself, so I didn’t say anything and tried to look at the labels on the store bought things. Some people baked things but I didn’t want to ask them out loud because I knew most likely, they were not vegan.

I listened as people talked about their families and holiday plans and vacations. Grandchildren and trips to Italy.

Today I confided in my friend that I was nervous about Cory’s upcoming birthday party. I wasn’t sure if it was something I wanted to be around. On the one hand I want to be there to look after him, like I would want him to do for me. On the other hand, I am afraid he is going to take the opportunity to drink excessively and I don’t want to subject myself to the version of Cory that I have seen too frequently this fall. I don’t want to clean up after him if he pisses himself, or breaks a glass by mistake or falls asleep whilst drinking. I don’t want to get in an argument when I try to ask him for help or try to get him to bed. And I really don’t want this to happen in front of his friends. I also don’t want to make him feel like he can’t enjoy himself on his birthday with his friends.

My friend told me she was concerned for me and now I feel a little bit of regret saying anything to her about my worries. I might be over exaggerating the situation or letting my mind jump to conclusions when nothing has happened yet.

I don’t think Cory fully understands all that he has put me through because he was drunk. I haven’t always given him all the details because I don’t even want to think about them or say them out loud. Sometimes, I talk about the incidents in vague terms. I realized that some of the times that have been worse, he may not even know how bad it was.
I think he is only now starting to grasp what I experience.

So I then think about if I’m blowing things out of proportion. Am I just now seeing things more accurately? Was I in denial of how things actually were? Do things just seem bad now because of how I am framing them in my head?

When I used to complain to people  about things I was unhappy about in my relationship, like about how Cory was adapting to living together and the responsibilities around the house, a lot of people told me that it was just part of the process. Everyone told me that living together would be hard at first. Some people told me I had to lower my expectations of Cory, that I can’t expect him to care or pay attention to everything. Why should Cory care about how I organize our house?

So I think over the past months I have gotten better at managing my own expectations. I think we have made great strides in how we handle our household responsibilities.
I don’t feel as overwhelmed and disappointed in those aspects.

But it still feels like something is missing. I feel like I am living my life so independently from him most days. The things that I do on a daily bases to achieve my goals and hobbies I do that make me happy feel 100% unrelated to our relationship. It never feels like “we” things anymore. I look around and I don’t see anything that “we” are building together. Projects or memories.

I don’t enjoy doing things with him anymore. We cohabitate exactly like roommates.
I am jealous of my friends in happy relationships. Couples who work out together. Take cooking classes together. Make things for each other. Do home renovation projects together.
I remember the time that Cory could not come to my work anniversary party. But one or two friends did. They were there and just seeing their faces throughout the night helped me get through an unpleasant situation. I try to compare that to all the rugby matches that Cory has come to. My last match, he came and saw the whole thing. My dad came, but only saw the last 5 minutes when I wasn’t even playing. It was the only game he had come to all season, but I was thrilled to see him. Cory made mention that he was there the whole time and didn’t get the same warm welcome. Why couldn’t I do the same for him?

I guess it’s the question he frequently asks me: Do you want me to come? Do you need me to come? Do you want me to be there?

Maybe I would like him to be there for me without me having to ask. I want him to be there for me. I think if I told him he didn’t have to come to a lot of things, he wouldn’t.

I feel like I’ve given up a little bit on our relationship, if I’m being honest. I got tired of being disappointed, tired of feeling like I was always nagging him or complaining to my friends. I don’t know what it would take to make me believe this relationship stands a chance. I know it is two-sided, that I have to believe and have faith and trust and I have to trust.

I don’t know where to start.

So when I am surrounded by people talking about their happy families and their fun vacation plans, I don’t know what to say.

Free Writing P.4

Yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day. Between spending time with a friend and having a burst of creativity, it was pretty satisfying. I didn’t sleep well, probably because I was working on my laptop up till the moment I went to sleep and watching AHS. I stayed up close to 11 before closing shop and struggled to fall asleep and then I had a bad dream about being chased, but I don’t remember too much. The dream was likely inspired by AHS.

This morning I woke up and worked on a project in bed, which I was happy with. I felt good coming into work, and then my boss asked me what food she could get me for the holiday party. I’d already told her I didn’t like/want anything from the Italian restaurant they were ordering food from and I have told my boss an endless amount of times that I don’t like Italian food. She kept suggesting things I could eat there, none of which I want to eat. At office gatherings, I always get the short end of the stick with food and I settle and try to pretend that I am ok with eating fries while everyone else eats cheese smothered burgers or pizza or pasta. I asked her just to give me petty cash (mentioning $5 so not to seem like I was asking for something unreasonable in exchange) and still she wanted me to text her what I wanted. After she left I wanted to discuss the matter with a coworker to see how unreasonable I was being, and at a certain point I started to feel my anxiety well up. We went through a list of things I could eat, but didn’t want to eat. eventually I said the best option would have been a super custom pizza, but I didn’t think that would have been what my boss had in mind because by the time I was done customizing my pizza, it would probably cost what she would spend on three people.

I didn’t think it was unreasonable for me. I said what I wanted multiple times and my boss didn’t listen. Asking for $5 to buy lunch during the holiday party doesn’t seem that unreasonable to me. I’m not asking everyone to change to meet my dietary restrictions but after being part of this staff for years, I get tired of feeling like a burden for asking for what I want and not wanting to settle so that other people feel comfortable. It’s our god damn holiday party and at every other celebratory gathering, I go along with what everyone else wants. I wish I wasn’t being made to feel crazy.


Free Writing P.3

Last I finally had a night without waking up! I did go to bed a little later, around 11:30pm.
Yesterday I really struggled to keep my thoughts from going around in depressing loops. Before I knew it, my thoughts would be some place trying to figure out the ‘why’ behind my current troubles.
Today, I have a few pinpoints. Going to a holiday shop at the art school with a friend and then going to get Asian food after work when I pay rent. Having tasks and things to look forward to is definitely helpful to keep my mood up throughout the day.