Free Writing P.2

So many offing crazy dreams. I had my first ever pregnancy dream. I think I also had a  dream inspired by the American Horror Story episode I watched recently where someone got an abortion (maybe it was me?) and I also had a dream that I had to be rushed to the hospital from my large home on a dusty ranch while my boyfriend was playing a big concert and he was actually the singer of New Found Glory. And I died in that sequence. In one of the other sequences, the hospital was a large white rounded building high up in the air with the set up like an airport with lots of different areas connected by long slender passageways. I met with an acquaintance and left cory for a bit and went to a meeting. We were hearing the president speak (not Trump), and lots of people were like laughing at some kind of joke about Ben Carson being in charge of some revenue department and what I could gather about this position was that it had kind of like a head-position and then a vice position but both were important because they allocated money to organizations etc. And the person with that job would make a lot of money. At one point the person I arrived with was no longer with me and I was with a tall slender woman with curly auburn hair and people were dispersing from the meeting but she and another man were still chatting and asked if I could stay a bit and then started implying that I would have the vice revenue position and I tried asking questions about the budget because I was really just trying to find out more information about the job without them knowing I didn’t know what the job was. I was reprimanded a little for being caught up on small details so I stopped asking questions and then I started going into labor etc.
I had another dream, in my large ranch home where I was having a party and I think I had rented boat loads of animals and at the end of the party I had to figure out what to do with them, but some of the animals, like a terrarium filled with different pocket pets, were kind of gross to be honest I didn’t want to touch them to figure out what to do with them..
I’m guessing most of these dreams happened because I watched AHS before bed.
Craziest dream I had was I woke up (IRL) and went to the bathroom and I was trying to think of what time it was. I was actually trying to figure out what time it wass before I woke up, I was lucid dreaming though. So as I was lying in bed, I thought I can find out what time it is by checking my internet browser history to see what time it was when I last read an article. 4:00am. I got to the bathroom and felt great I had slept so long without interruption but I still felt tired and then I realized that I had been dreaming.

I woke up at 2:40am. I had relatively restful sleep the rest of the night. My pin point strategy helped me through yesterday until I got to my pin point. Maybe it was because as soon as I got to trivia, Johnny hit a women in the shoulder while trying to move an extra chair to the table. I watched it happen, it didn’t seem that bad, Johnny tried apologizing and the group of middle aged people looked appalled like Johnny had spit on her face and stomped her foot. I felt sad the rest of the evening and struggled to make conversation. When I did try to speak, I felt like I wasn’t talking loud enough to be heard so I often felt excluded from conversations. This morning I had a bit of adventure when Moses saw a large beaver in our backyard, but once I tried to get dressed and tried to wear those damn shoes, I became enveloped in sadness that followed me all the way into work. I tried to set my pin point before leaving this morning, but the best I could come up with is that I will work out in my favorite new yoga pants and favorite long sleeve teeshirt and then come home to spend time with moses, maybe take a long walk, curl up in bed and read.

I have an achey head ache and my eyes are tired from sobbing in my car.

But the pinpoint will prevail.

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Free Writing P.2

Last night I fell asleep around 9:30 and woke up at 12. I had a hard time getting back to sleep and my fidgeting was pretty bad. I went home sick from work yesterday, and it was difficult to get to sleep then too, but I found what did help was lying on my back, very straight, with my hands clasped on my stomach. It still took me a while to fall asleep, but it helped with my fidgeting.

I’m going to try to give myself a focus point today, the little pin point in the distance. My last day at work before Thanksgiving went surprisingly faster than usual and wasn’t as painstaking. Maybe because I knew I had a long break ahead of me.
So what is my pin point.. Cory and I will be going to trivia night at Ohio City Brewing with his friend Johnny and the new girlfriend.
Even though Johnny doesn’t usually pick good girlfriends and even though I don’t really hit it off with most of Cory’s friend’s S.O. MAYBE this one will be different. More importantly, even if this double date sucks, I love trivia! I’m not very good at it, but I like Sporcle trivia. I used to go all the time before I was dating Cory. And I’ve never been to Ohio Brewing Company so it’ll be nice to go somewhere new. It’s a real date!!!

So I’m just going to pretend that there is a string attached to the pin point and the center of my ribcage, right at the top. Just pulling me through the day. It will keep pulling me so that I don’t get stuck in the different fogs.

 

Free Writing P.1

My new counselor recommended doing free writing once a day. I’m not entirely sure how to go about free writing. I think it’s supposed to be stream of conscious and it would probably work better to do so in a journal, pen to page, but I haven’t been able to get myself to open the drawer in the morning to scribe.

Last night I woke up on the couch at midnight and moved to the bedroom. I had such issues getting back to sleep, I kept fidgeting and scratching and getting up to itch myself in a different room so Cory wouldn’t notice. When I would fall asleep, it wasn’t for long and I would wake up not sure if I had been asleep at all. I had a dream that one of my coworkers’ husband had died and on top of that I had a feeling of impending dread that I had forgot to do something at work and had really screwed myself over.

I woke up in a bad mood and felt physically uncomfortable. So much pressure in my head around my ears and jaw, still dealing with what I hope is a yeast infection, anticipating an ear infection coming on, and then just feeling achey from my head to toes (or rather ankles). Even my tongue feels terrible, like I ate something too hot, but I can’t think of that actually happening.

I do wish I could just go home and lay down. Yesterday I was trying to sleep off my depression and anxiety but today I just feel physically like shit. It doesn’t help that I’m still having trouble motivating myself to do work. I can see things I need to do in my peripheral but I also have this feeling that I don’t have anything to do today.

I wish there was some switch to slip that would help me turn my brain on for work. Sometimes I try coffee. Like after I drink my first cup, then I will start. Or once I get a new cup, then I will start. Or if I light this candle, it will soothe and relax me and I will be ready to work. Or, after I eat my food, I will feel better and ready to work.

Sometimes I even think, “on the count of three.”
I feel like there is going to be something to trigger me to be motivated to finish my tasks. What am I missing? I am not stupid. I’m not doing this on purpose. I cried on my way into work today. I don’t remember exactly why. When I left the house this morning I was struggling getting all my things into the car, which was frustrating. I was disappointed because I realized that I maybe should have gotten a size 7 in my new flats instead of the 8 that my mom recommended. I felt like the shoes looked too big now, not flattering, and will give me blisters on my heals. I can’t exchange them because they came from a far away outlet store. I felt frustrated because I had been looking forward to incorporating the shoes into my wardrobe. I felt so frustrated I wanted to complain, but I knew if I were to say something to my mom, it would just come off like I was blaming her for pushing me to get the bigger size and there’s nothing she or I can do about it so it would just make her feel bad, so obviously I can’t say anything to her, and then I am frustrated with myself that I didn’t make a better decision and that I hypothetically would take out my frustration on my mother.
I’m at work and my shoes feel fine.

I’m debating going home early because of my headache. I want to go home and sleep.
I think I am reason that our office toilet continues to clog. It is a low flow toilet and I think that the frequency of use may be the cause. I can’t help it I have to pee all the time, I just hope no one at work makes the connection.

I just have to commit to either staying or going. If I stay, I will be uncomfortable all day.

Help is hard to find.

When I started my search for a psychiatrist all of three days ago, I had loads of standards. I wanted a female doctor in the Akron area who had experience with anxiety and depression with good reviews etc. etc.

As I started making my calls from the pool of doctors I had researched I quickly found out that most were booked until summer 2017. So I researched a little more. Sure, I can drive 25 minutes or more. Too bad those doctors aren’t accepting new patients either. By the end of the day, I was calling psychiatrist offices just to see if their doctors were accepting new patients, without knowing who their doctors actually were, let along their specialties or experience. I had a hard time finding more information on their staff.

The experience is both eye opening and troubling. How quickly my standards vanished as I searched for anyone. I wanted to put my mental health in the hands of someone I thought I’d be able to trust. After all, a medicated “solution” could make things worse and I’ve heard some horror stories.

How do people in actual crisis get help? Thank goodness I am relatively stable. I remember five years ago when I first sought counseling and I had an anxiety attack while trying to make my first appointment.

But there are still doctors to call and as frustrating as it is, I cannot let myself give up.

 

Getting Help… Psych!

Seeking help while in the trenches of a mental health down spiral is such a paradox. Feeling like you are down in this dark tunnel of self-analysis and sadness, not being able to see clearly, it all makes it very difficult to climb out. You don’t know what to grab onto. You feel surrounded by crumbling rocks that will make you fall further down, but then again, it’s so dark it’s hard to tell what is a solid foot hole. The smallest cry for help feels like the loudest scream you can muster. Inside you feel like you’re frantically waving for help.

But to anyone else, maybe they just hear a whisper, or maybe they see something out of the corner of their eye. They don’t see you struggling to go to work, struggling to pick out an outfit, struggling not to survive. They aren’t versed in your language of depression and they can’t translate, “I wait to go to bed,” at 11:30 a.m. They don’t understand what you mean is that you don’t want to participate in life.
It’s hard when you are in your tunnel and you hear your friends on the outside. You wonder why they don’t notice that you’re trapped and need help. And when you send out your feeble distress call, why can’t they spring to action.

It’s crazy that I have modified my life around my anxiety and depression. I don’t make plans in the middle of the week because I know I will cancel because I am tired. I can’t make plans on Friday either for the same reason. If I have weekend plans after 3 pm, it takes so much willpower for me to follow through with those plans because I know I will be exhausted.

My mom helped me find 2 psychiatrist that are covered by our insurance. I am scared of being told that nothing is wrong with me. I am scared that the side affects of any medications will be worse than what I am already experiencing.

As hard as it is to ask for help when in the tunnel, it can be hard to get help when you’ve made it out too. I think, I’m out now, maybe I don’t need help. Maybe I am strong enough to make it out on my own. But remember strong soldier, you will be back in the tunnel. How many times must you claw your way out like the girl from the Ring?

 

 

 

All the Hopes & All the Dreams

For these last two months, as I am resigning from making any exceptional strides in personal growth, I am looking forward to doing unimportant things that carry no major “do or die” urgency.

I’ll move my fish tank out of the living room and redo my succulent display.
Once I clean my closet space up, I’ll reorganize it. Maybe I will transfer all my crafting supplies to the closet so that my boyfriend can completely take over the space in the basement for his music things.

I’ll need to start propagating succulents so that I can give them out as gifts to my friends.

I’m looking forward to decorating the house for Christmas. Even though I don’t really enjoy Christmas, I was so removed from my family this fall, I’m ready to embrace all the traditions I neglected last year.

I am looking forward to paying off a couple months worth of  my car insurance with my savings. I hope my parents will be proud of my financial responsibility.

Despite being, “Girl About Akron,” I’ve just felt that it is so hard being a girl in Akron this year. Everything has been just such a struggle and nothing has felt easy. Everyday is a struggle to live in this city. My new rental home has given me a little bit of a reprieve from the struggles as I now don’t have to deal with neighbors or terrible parking. But I still wonder what would happen if I gave the city up and moved back with my parents.

I trade my city life for the chance to spend more time with my family. I could still play rugby with my friends. I could save more money while living at home. Maybe I could go back to school for graphic design. And then when I have more money saved, and more experience with graphic design, and I have lived a sabbatical with my family as an adult, I will be more prepared to move to a new place and start a new life. Better late than never, right?

The Worst Year of My Life.

Back at it again with a reflection piece.

2016 has been a rough year for most Americans but I’m not exactly finding comfort in the company. With only two months left of the year, I have abandoned my hope that I can turn things around. The number of times that I have thought, “this is the worst year of my life,” can not be outweighed by any amount of good fortune that would come my way the next two months.

Almost every one of my irrational anxieties have been realized in this year and aside from my senior year of high school, I don’t remember another year that I’ve spent consecutively crying.

I hate my life this year, but maybe next year can be different. Maybe I can start my next year two months early. I’ll start by doing the things that make me feel like me.