Re: solution for the new year.

I am the type of girl who believes with complete certainty as the new year approaches that, “this could be, like, MY year.”
I present you with my new year’s resolution ramblings from 2012-Present with a review of 2011.
Have fun taking a glimpse into my angsty-journaling 😉
New Year’s Resolution 2012

  1. Visit the counseling center
  2. Go to the gym 5 days a week
  3. Blog every Sunday
  4. Pray more
  5. Make more snap decisions
  6. Accept my truths
  7. Do something impulsive once a month
  8. Be more genuine with my compliments
  9. Burning bridges before I’ve finished building them?
  10. Limit my time alone so I can a.) learn to be more social or b.) appreciate my time alone

In review of 2011, specifically, my character while I have many things that I need to make improvements on, there are some aspects of my life I am uncertain of which direction to make my improvements. For example, I have found my sincerity dissatisfying. For a period of time, I tried to be a nicer person. I tried to be a wingman to all, a party girls best friend, and an overall sweetheart. Or rather, the girl that everyone refers to as a sweetheart when describing him or her to someone else. & after a year and a half I need to re-evaluate my persona. Maybe I shouldn’t have started trying in the first place. Maybe trying to be nice only made my attempts of sincerity… less sincere. Maybe I should stop. Stop trying to hug people. When did I stop wanting to be touched?

I lost two year’s worth of writing. That is what I miss the most about my old laptop. My journal. It held so much & now I feel like I have nothing. None of those moments. Those moments when I felt so real & honest. So real & honest that no one could listen to my words with the same amount of honesty that my words deserved to be listened to with. I hope whoever stole my laptop somehow stumbles upon that file. & maybe the other one too.

I hate the winter. & I hate this restlessness that sits in my fingers & my ankles & in my tongue & all the other parts of my body that go to work to execute my twitches & fidgets & nervous habits. I pick & fidget & crack & itch & chew & scratch because on the inside, I just can’t seem to do the same. I can’t seem to hit that sweet spot in my soul that keeps tickling my inner inkling to move to change to adjust. I like to think my inner restlessness is what keeps me from wanting to be touched, & keeps me wanting more & always keeps me slightly unhappy

2012 reacap: I didn’t get ’em all checked off.

  1. Done
  2. I go about three times a week. So almost done!
  3. I don’t every Sunday, but I’d say I’m doing alright.
  4. not quite done.
  5. Done!
  6. I’m always changing, so I don’t think I’ll ever be done with this one.
  7. I love the paradox in this one haha.
  8. Done!
  9. I have no clue what this meant.
  10. I feel pretty socially balanced.

So I think I did pretty good this year!!

In review of 2012,

I have made all the improvements that I imagined I would in 2012. I’m really proud of myself! I’d still like to have a firmer grip on my future, but I think that’s totally a 2013 thing. I’m not holding it against my 2012 self. I went to counseling and I found an internship I really liked. I got even closer with my friends. After a lot of research, I’ve zeroed in on what my dream job looks like. I let go of the plan that I have to move to California. I know that I am the only one that can judge myself and the decisions I make. Now I just have to figure out how disappointed I’ll be with myself if I don’t get out of the state. Or I don’t get my dream job.

Am I trying hard enough?
I constantly ask myself that.
I am accepting less than my dream because I don’t think my dream is possible? Or is reality just as good as the dream?

I’ve finally started taking something seriously and it feels very odd. Now that I have this new updated version of my dream life, and I’m serious about it, I have to defend it.

For me, being open and vocal about my dreams and ambitions was the first step to really taking it seriously. It’s not just something I harbor in my heart. I’m finding out now that the next step is believing in my own dreams, when other people don’t. I’ve never been at a loss when it came to having support. Maybe I really always had a support system in my favor or maybe if I didn’t get support, I abandoned the mission and forgot that I ever needed it. Here’s to being my biggest supporter! Here’s to turning dreams into reality. Here’s to 2013!

New Year’s Resolution 2013

  1. Add strength training to my workouts.
    I’d like to add some type of workout class to my routine.
  2. Recycle more!
    I intern at Keep Akron Beautiful so I know why it’s important to recycle. I’m ashamed I don’t recycle more at home.
  3. Run updates on your phone more often.
    And on my computer too.
  4. Start doing my own laundry (embarrassing).
    Nuff said.
  5. Do a serious cleaning of my closets.
    Seriously, get rid of my clothes from high school, that one sock that I’m pretty sure has a match somewhere, the papers I’ve been hoarding from last semester, those weird knickknacks in my junk drawers.
  6. Start taking care of my body.
    Start giving it the nutrition it needs. Stop abusing, depriving and taking advantage of it. Start thinking about things like cholesterol, blood pressure, arteries, Omega-3’s and the strength of my bones.
  7. Stop losing my things as much.
    Slow down and pay attention to what I have on my person!
  8. Get into Google+
    I’m pretty sure it’s the next thing.
  9. Start reading
    Good for my brain.

 In review of 2013:

If that’s the person I want to be in 2014, I have a bit of work to do. I have no idea how to define myself in words. I miss the people who are close to me but can’t appreciate them when they are near.

I think my broken heart makes everything a little harder for me to do. It was the one thing I’ve wanted since I was kid and I finally felt like I found it and it was everything I thought it would be. And it didn’t work. My optimism and hope is what kept me going day to day.

“The thing about real love is, if you lose it, you can also lose your ability to believe in it, and that hurts even more. Especially in a town where real love may be the only world-class thing that ever happens.”

I miss you I miss you I miss you. I think about texting you, and I think about messaging you. There are so many things I want to tell you about. I want to tell you I want to come visit you. I wait for the day that you ask me when I’ll talk to you. I’ll type something, so you know I got your message and then I won’t respond.

Or I’ll tell you that I’m not sure. Because I was in a casual relationship for two months last year and that only a few months ago did things really feel ok between us. And I’m not sure with you. You are different than all the rest.

I think about saying that I don’t start talking to you. Or just that that’s not how things work.

I think about looking at your profile. Just to see what you’re up to. But I’m too afraid of what trainwreck spiral that will start. So I also think about deleting you. I see you online via Facebook messenger and I get a weird comfort because I can see you so I know you can see me. It’s like we’re in a room together and ignoring each other.

I miss you I miss you I miss you and I wonder how long I will.
I wonder how long until you stop caring about me. I wonder how long until you forget about me. I wonder if my plan is back firing. You said I was someone you wanted in your life. But maybe you don’t want someone that has to be dramatic and completely stop talking to you.

I miss you I miss you I miss you.
Shopping list:
Whole Wheat everything.
Cous Cous, Rice, Bread.
Cayan Pepper,
Green pepper
Olive Oil
Almond Milk
Dog Food
Some sort of sauce
No-cook noodles
Lime & lemon
New blender!!!
Pumpkin mix!
Garlic, nutmeg, cinnamon

New Year’s Resolution 2014

  1. I want to be the type of person that paints their nails to fit the occasion. And takes the polish off before it wears off itself.
  2. I want to turn my oven on and start cooking again.
  3. I want to find a hobby.
  4. I want to start volunteering.
  5. I want to visit my grandma more.
  6. I want to pay more attention to my friends.
  7. I want to take more weekend trips.
  8. I want to use up my 7 yoga sessions.
  9. I want to watch X Files.
  10. I want to visit California with my vacation time.
  11. I want to find myself again.

In review of 2014:

2014 what did you do to me? I’m not going to review my new year’s list because, by reading the entry above, clearly my head was not in a good place at the end of 2013. I mean I followed a depressing love note to no one with a grocery list.

Despite that, I did tackle enough of the list to surprise myself. In 2014, I became a dynamic, real person in the adult world without the safety net of school. And that is an accomplishment.

I picked myself up from heartbreak. I found new relationships and not just with boys. I let myself open up to new people. Now I have so many wonderful people in my life I couldn’t ask for more. It’s that cup runneth over shit.

I took control over my life and have this respect for myself to know what I deserve and what I want and how to ask for it. And I get what I’m asking for more often than not.

That’s what I’m most proud of. It might be vain, but I find myself so interesting. I’m changing and expanding my own perception of self. For the first time. It’s not the façade I’m changing for others to notice.

Without further ado–

 New Year’s Resolution 2015

  1. Land the dream Job
  2. Slowly take over all finances (this is part of my new five year plan).
  3. Keep more up-to-date on my apartment maintenance problems.
  4. Read all of the library books. Learn more about women and feminists and comedians and how to be a writer.
  5. Find an outlet for my humor; stand-up, essays, blogging IDK LOL.
  6. I should probably practice writing & editing a little more.
  7. Road trip to Nashville
  8. Cali Trip!
    “Wait… boys are at the bottom of the list? You Go Girl.”—me talking to myself.
  9. Actually boys are exhausting. I would like to embrace easy-breezy-casual dating/relationships.